I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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