the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
