Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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