Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
