Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
