I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
