so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
