I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
