I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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