Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
