yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
