Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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