I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
