I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
