I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
