Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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