Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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