i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
