I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
