I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
