This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
