my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
