he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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