My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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