yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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