we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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