why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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