Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
