I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
