She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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