you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
