So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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