just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
