Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
