question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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