Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
