NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
