I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
