I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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