Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
this is an emotional support booty call
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
