Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
