I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She told me I should be a condom model.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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