I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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