i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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