I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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