If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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