i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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