dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
