I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
