Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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