Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
