i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
