why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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