why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
